Looking for productivity hacks? You're in the wrong place. All you'll find here are useless WordPress plugins.

There’s a sick sort of satisfaction to uselessness. It’s a small form of rebellion against the utility normally expected of all the individual cogs in the greater machine that is humanity. Lazily resisting against the ongoing impetus to “work hard” makes the ongoing progression of humanity ever more determined to persevere.

In the interim, however, it slows things down considerably.

Even so, a wise man once said that time you’ve enjoyed wasting can’t be classified as time wasted. In the optimistic spirit of that quote, I’ve compiled a list of five futile, foolish, fatalistically entropic, and utterly useless WordPress plugins.

This list was created for no other reason than to waste time and/or contribute absolutely nothing to the macrocosmic outlook of our culture.

1.      Worthless Plugin

worthless

This is what I call getting straight to the point. Worthless plugin lives up to its moniker like few things in this world can. It literally does next to nothing.

Download this plugin and activate it to create an absolutely useless configuration settings page on your dashboard. The only thing it does is display the number of visits on your site, which last time I checked is redundant for anyone who uses Google Analytics. SMDH.

2.      Get Snarky

Get snarky

This plugin is a simple modification of the popular ‘Hello Dolly‘ plugin, which sporadically displays lyrics from the hit song by Louis Armstrong. Unfortunately, the Hello Dolly plugin draws attention to art and culture, and is thus too useful to be included in this list.

Get Snarky, on the other hand displays random, innately inane, and A.D.D. apparent quotations from the most frivolous of all social media platforms: Twitter. As far as useless wastes of time go, this one is right up there with writing My Little Pony fan fiction.

3.      Logout Roulette

logout roulette

Gambling is not only a timewaster, but also an addiction. Discounting the occasional astute card counter with a genius intellect, the house always wins. That means gambling is a ruinous hobby for the vast majority of hobbyists, and therefore a worthy addition to this list.

What exactly does this plugin do that it associates so closely with such a vice? It’s a little like “Russian roulette,” but less entertaining because Robert De Niro never had a WordPress theme that slapped him while cursing in Vietnamese.

With Logout Roulette activated, there’s a 1 in 10 chance you’ll be logged out every time your admin page loads up. And as an extra dastardly feature, it also remains hidden on the plugin page to everyone but you. Only the admin that activates the plugin can see it. So you can waste your own time, and a friend’s as well.

4.      Barrel Roll

fc02c800

Is there anything more useless than a webpage that spins? Your UI is not a set of rims, and sitting in front of a computer screen playing flight simulators does not make you StarFox. Do a barrel roll with this plugin at your own peril.

Here’s how:

  1. Download the plugin
  2. Activate the plugin
  3. Type “barrel roll” within any text filed on the page
  4. Watch the page rotate 360 degrees
  5. Laugh quietly to yourself
  6. Begin feeling stupid
  7. Shamefully get back to work

Keep in mind that any and all users of your website will be able to join you at step 3.

5.      Image Parallax

parallax gif

Alright, so I’m stretching it a bit with this one because parallax scrolling animations are legitimately popular right now—at least among some designers. Many developers, however, consider parallax animations to be pointless attention grabbing time wasters that do nothing but diminish UX.

So I’m including this plugin for them. And to be honest, if they’re right, this is the most useless out of the bunch. Because you’ll actually have to do a good bit of work to animate your images; all in the name of uselessness.

And now that you’ve wasted enough time, you’ll probably want to get back to being productive. But why start now? Let’s have a worthless conversation in the comments instead.  What WP plugins have wasted more of your time than any other?